No Desire for Christ

This is a follow up to my previous blog, which you can read before this one. If you don't like long reads that jump all over the place I get that, but you're wrong and I hate you. :-)

I lack discipline in my life in many ways. In terms of my walk with Christ, that relates to not reading my bible, not having prayer time, not being active in Church or community. But in reality that is not it at all, because I simply do not wake up every morning desperate for Christ. I think since rededicating my life to Christ over 3 years ago, I have seen my relationship with Christ as a sincere "want" and "ought" and not a "need".

Let me explain. I am not married. So I use this example from perspective not experience.

I don't think any man sets out to be a bad husband. Even a man with the worst intentions for marriage (sex, status, money) doesn't do so with the intent to fail. I can't see a man put his heart on the line, pursue a woman, care about her needs and interests, blow money on a ring, work up the guts to propose, blow more money on a wedding and honeymoon, buy a house, get a dog, and pop a few kids out just to say "Fuck it, time to start screwing everything up". Most men "want" to be a good and probably think they "ought" to be a good husband. But when the shit hits the fan, they justify giving up because even though their intentions were there, there was no DESIRE to fight. There is no NEED to fight. With no desire or need, failure is an option. And they give up.

And that's where I have found myself lately. I want a deep relationship with Christ and know I ought to pursue him daily. But the truth of the matter is I haven't seen the need. And that allowed me to think some very scary thoughts.

I really do believe in God, Jesus, his ministry on earth, his crucifixion, resurrection, and ascension. I believe in the Bible and the things that Jesus said. There is so much grace, hope, and patience for nonbelievers and so many harsh rebukes and promises for lukewarm Pharisees that I began to become afraid of what might happen if I stayed in that middle ground too long. And if I couldn't become this awesome, Christ pursing man of God that the only option that would allow me to sleep at night and save face would be to disassociate myself with Christianity completely. To add more fuel to my fire, I listened to a podcast that interviewed David Bazan. He was an evangelical Christian singer who many believers looked up to as a hero, only to eventually walk away from the faith despite a believe in God. His exact words were "I didn't want to keep sinning just so grace could abound". And I was like "Boom. That's me right now. If I can't get it together with Christ, I don't want to waste his grace on my sin and act like something I'm not. And if a guy that was a considered a Christian's christian can do it, then why can't I ?". I legitimately pondered that, even to back it up with my Reformed thinking that if I was saved that I would go to heaven regardless.

For some reason, God didn't allow that to simmer in my head very long. Boldly I opened up to a friend of mine who spoke some simple but powerful truth into my life.

The moment Christ comes into your life, that is the day you stop being lukewarm

It really resonated with me, that I had no power in going back to my old ways. I am running as hard as I've ever ran from Christ, and he still has a grip on me. He knew that I was going to come to this point, all the sins I was going to commit, and he died for me anyways.

I have to start putting that on the forefront of my mind daily. God is doing his work I need to mine. I don't need to read my Bible daily. I need to learn more about the life of Jesus daily. I don't need to pray more. I need to surrender more and listen for God's voice. I don't need more church or community. I need to fellowship with believers that can praise God for what he is doing while holding each other accountable with the goal of growing in Christ whether you had a great week or a terrible one. And most importantly, I need to stop wallowing on what I did, and constantly focus on what Christ has already done and what he wants to continue to do in my life.

If you read this, pray that God removes these thoughts from my brain and places them all into my heart. That I stop writing and saying what I think I'm supposed to do, but that I can start doing what I need to do to know Christ more.

Hunter

Falling Out / Forward Motion

I'm finally getting enough courage to type out this blog. It has been 170 days since I moved away from the Dominican Republic and back to America. I haven't really discussed a lot of what brought me back from what was a clear calling from God to live in the DR.

In the weeks leading up to my initial departure to the DR, my relationship with Jesus was not where it should of been for someone pursuing a career in vocational ministry, especially one located overseas. I was just so ready to leave my retail job and living with my parents and go do something to make a difference in the world. My dad was particularly unsupportive in my moving away, and negatively expressed that in a way that really strained our relationship. I did not want to deal with that, fueling my desire to leave. I literally was so desperate to get away, I willingly moved away with almost no financial support. I had to borrow money from my brother just to buy a one way plane ticket.

I honestly believe that in the grand scheme of things, my time in the DR had nothing to do with me influencing students in any way. That is not to say I didn't influence lives on a daily basis; I built relationships with many young men and women that I will cherish forever. But I believe the entire process was meant to expose my flaws as a man and break me down to the point where I had nothing left but God to build me back up.

My relationship with Jesus disappeared while I was in the DR. There is honestly no other way to put it. I put on about as good of a front as I could, but inside my soul was slowly wilting away. I have never believed the Bible quite as much as I do when I read "What the heart contains overflows out of the mouth" (rough translation, didn't feel like looking it up). I would literally say things to students and peers that I would never say to another person. I would get angry to a level that I didn't know existed on my personal mood range. I literally had nothing positive to give anybody. I wasn't waking up desperate for Christ, I was waking up wondering when the next time I got to lock myself in my room and hide from people. It wasn't like there wasn't people to talk to on campus, but it was more like I felt like there was no one double checking on me. I sat in a hammock one day, with no one off of work to talk, no internet to call home, literally as alone as I have ever felt. There was times where I literally was destroyed mentally but had to work because there was no one else to work.

The final 2 weeks in the DR were some of the worst my life. I wasn't working effectively with students, didn't have any energy left to work and eventually broke down. I knew that if I didn't make a change and quick, I would end up diving deeper into darkness and farther away from God. I knew that I was/am called to share the Gospel with others, but I didn't know how to do that without any support to grow my walk and without a gameplan of how to outreach to our students. I couldn't keep taking money from my friends and family to simply work a childcare supervison job that was causing me to drift away from God.

Once I moved back to America, I didn't know how to adjust. Just the comforts of being back near friends, family, and my church was a nice bandaid. But the wound on my heart was scabbed but not healed. I still hadn't established a relationship with Christ again, and threw myself into work. I continued to put on a front and act okay, but inside was still very hurt.

That is the main reason I am writing all of this is because I am taking of furthering my walk with the Lord. I am done living in bonadage and slavery to sin. I am going on the offensive against the enemy by opening up the darkness in my life to God's light. I have confessed my sins and struggles to the mentors in my life, and now am publicly sharing to break the hold that it has had over life. My walk with God is still very poor, but my heart feels light (light weight, warmth from light, and brightness of light) for the first time in a while. I ask that if you are reading this, you pray for God to continue to blow on the embers of my heart, in hopes the fire that was once there will grow larger than ever before.

I really am thankful for my time in the DR. I have zero hard feelings or regrets about anything or anyone. I had many awesome moments and built some amazing relationships there. There were times where I opened up with glimpses of my struggles to people there, so thank you to those who prayed for me and listened (you know who you are). And thanks to every person in America who gave or prayed for me. I am eternally thankful for your generosity and believing in me no matter what. It took this past stormy season of really cultivating my soul to show how much I still have to grow as a Man of God. I am excited about the fruit that is about to show up in my life and how I am going to grow in the Spirit in the coming months.

In Christ,

Hunter